Just like loneliness, we have no control sometimes on having to be in a condition that puts us on our own, but we can always see it in different glasses. We may not able to control what happens in our life, but we can always control our mindset and the way we react to certain thing. "Solitude is in your own choice", that saying, whether it's a blissful heaven or it is a burning hell is up to you. By that, i think it's an obligation to learn how to be on our own for everyone. But sometimes, being alone isn't even a choice, sometimes life puts you in a situation where you don't have any other option than being alone, for your own good. I guess it is understandable since i used to be those ones before. Unfortunately though, not a lot of people are courageous when it comes to being alone, they're still afraid of the "emptiness" that crawls beneath it. I finally didn't need much stimulation to keep me happy, socializing becomes for priority only, and life was filled with serenity. In that process, i began to feel how comforting it is to be on my own with my thoughts only, i know it could get rather intimidating sometimes, but once you find the beauty in emptiness it'll be weirdly enjoyable. In response, i would rather spend less time with other people, and seek time for myself to heal what i need to heal. Because i tend to not share about my problems so publicly, acting a bit more quiet than usual was a discomfort for my friends.
When i was in a heartbreak, i felt like i was an unpleasing present to people around me. It might be due to the process of forcing myself to cope with pains inside my soul, you know, that kind of pain from unknowingly giving your love to an irresponsible being. Surprisingly, now i'm more than ever would love to choose being at home over anything else. That was my comfort zone, solitude was never felt that comfortable back then. It's like "socializing" is a big part of my happiness. When i was a joyful young teenager i used to hate being at home, i hate being on my own without anyone to talk to.
But nonetheless, it could just be me growing up and maturing my own self automatically. Or, maybe it was the changing of hormones due to my hormone therapy. Not really sure what the major factor is, but i can assume it was the series of heartbreaks that occurred to me in the past couple of years. I used to be this rocking-chair, loud, opinionated, slightly obnoxious person, but now i am a pretty calm, collected, taking-shit-seriously kind of person. Over the course of three years, i've managed to unconsciously shifted my inner self from an extroverted being into an introverted being.
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